This featured blog is written by Drive to Save Lives speaker, Chris Sullivan. In this blog, Chris shares his inspiring story of battling addiction and substance use disorder, to today where he writes this blog after 16 years (and counting) in recovery.
Hi, my name is Chris, alcoholic & addict….. (and you respond with “Hi Chris”)
Okay, now I’m in my comfort zone. I’m comfortable imagining being in the four walls of an AA or NA meeting, more than I ever was on the field with 100,000 fans screaming in the background. I’m my true self. Not the person I was for six years hiding behind the hard plastic shell of a NFL football helmet. That person no longer exists, thank God.
In 2008, I started a new team. A team that was surrounded by the world of recovery. My sponsor Steve was my new Head Coach. The people in the halls of AA were my new teammates. My Playbook, now, was a little blue book with the words Alcohol Anonymous on it. Simply stated, two words that could change my life everyday if I followed the principles in the chapters that were written in 1939 and still fall true today.
From the Super bowl to the toilet bowl is what I often refer to as my life. Growing up I was the kid who looked like he had it all together. I had my hair parted the way my Mom liked it, I tucked in my shirt, I went to church every Sunday. I was the kind of athlete that coaches loved because I was honest, reliable, on time and did what I was asked to do. From the outside world, I looked like I had everything going for me. What people saw was a full scholarship to Boston College, drafted by the New England Patriots, and becoming the Home Town Hero since I grew up only 4 miles away from the stadium. What they couldn’t see was a nervous, anxious, train wreck of a kid, who had anxiety in every move I made. How would they know? I was the master of disguise. I would put on my disguise everyday and just say to myself “keep moving, keep moving”. Ask yourself this….do you wear some sort of disguise everyday? Is it serving you well? My disguise only masked my problems, which got greater when my identity got taken away.
My identity consisted of a big, strong football player. Something I never felt. I knew I was good at what I did and I was physically stronger than most. But inside, I was anything but strong. I was too afraid to ask for health for my mental health challenges, because I just thought everyone felt that way. Who was I to complain about it? From the outside I was successful, had money in the bank and was living a dream of many. But was it really my dream? That is a question I still ask today.
On December 15, 2008, I did the one thing I had never done in 36 years. I said three simple words. I NEED HELP. Those three words changed my life forever. I got the gift of desperation, and it saved my life. If you are reading this and you need help with something, ask! REMEMBER, it is the strong that asks for help, not the weak. The strong know what they need and are not afraid to be their true self to get it. You deserve help with whatever you may be going through. People want to help.
Today, as I reflect on the best things in my life today…. they all came from my worst years. I was fortunate not to lose my family during my years of addiction, they have always been by my side. But if I never struggled with substance use disorder, I wouldn’t have my wife I met when I was 5 weeks sober. She lost her daughter to underage drinking and my sponsor brought me to her presentation so that I could see what alcohol did to a family. Two years later, we married. I wouldn’t have my step kids, my grandkids and my friends in recovery. I wouldn’t speak nationally about the dangers of substance use, mental health & the importance of making good choices. If you are currently going through one of your toughest times, please know that you will get to the other side, 24 hours at a time. Give yourself the gift of time.
I now stand in front of hundreds of students, parents and community members, without that helmet to hide behind. Instead of a football in my hands to keep my mind focused, I hold the best thing I have ever earned. My 16-year recovery chip … .it was harder to get then my super bowl ring. Instead of physical labor, I had to work on myself, my mental health and my feelings. I’m so glad I did. Find your team. You will be glad you did too!